Not Perfect.

My 16 month old has a secret skill. A power really. It’s called the power of guilt trip. Sometimes when something doesn’t go her way (typically in the mornings when she is most grumpy), she throws herself to the floor with her face to the ground. Then, if that doesn’t seem strong enough of a response for the emotion of the moment she will fling things around her and turn her back to me. That part always throws me off…the turning away. Depending on the circumstances around the mini-fit, I will often call to her with a smile and an invitation to come over to get a snuggle rather than to continue in the fit. It is interesting that in those moments, she will often continue to turn away from me, sometimes until I stand over her and invite her up into my arms.

I will tell you the connection to this story in a moment, but I will start with a confession.

I sometimes wish that I was perfect.

I am sure that there are some underlying motives to look good to others, but lately it has been coming up in different situations because I just so long to give people the best. I long to love my husband utterly unselfishly and to never hurt him. I long to serve the people God has put in my life with the excellence that I know Jesus would if he walked in my shoes. Often, I am just so tired of making mistakes, and sometimes the same mistakes, over and over again. I want to just live life better. Perfectly even.

That is one of the draws of heaven for me. Although ultimately, I can not wait to have my faith become sight and truly see God as He is, I also really really look forward to not sinning anymore. I look forward to the world being as God intended for it to be, and for me to perfectly be who He has made me to be. I am so thankful that God looks at me through the sacrifice of Jesus. I am glad that He sees me as I will be instead of just the mess that I am now. Sadly though, I struggle to live this truth in the disappointment or frustration of the moment.

I was talking to my husband about this just last night before bed. Then, this morning I went to my church’s first mom’s mentoring group. Many really encouraging and challenging things were said, but do you want to know what the closing words were?

“Many of us hold ourselves to a standard of perfection when God is simply calling us to obedience.”

Obedience. With God’s help, I can do that decently throughout the day. Perfection? Not. A. Chance. I was so comforted. I knew that God was gently teaching me to let go of the control. The desire to control myself and even the things around me. He was calling me to greater freedom with him.

He never called us to perfection. In the verse, “Therefore you shall be perfect just as your Father in heaven is perfect.” (Matt 5:48), the meaning of the “perfect ” word in Greek speaks of maturity or completion instead of not making mistakes (For a good article, go to http://www.centervilleroad.com/articles/perfect.html.  ). I thankful for that!!!!!! Instead of the pressure, I am encouraged by a different verse tonight…

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness ‘ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB)” He is strong in my weakness. Although there is some vulnerability that comes from looking honestly at your weaknesses and admitting your desperate need for someone outside of yourself, it is also incredibly freeing.

I guess that brings me back to my daughter. She suffers from being imperfect as I do, but even when she lays on the guilt trip or turns away from me, I am still madly in love with her. I am just waiting above her to let me scoop her up and love her in the midst of her mess of emotion. If I, an incredibly imperfect parent can love my daughter like this, how much more does our perfect Father want to love us in the midst of our mess. No, He will never give up in disciplining and molding and encouraging us to be more like Himself, but He also longs for us to turn our face up to Him and accept His grace and love. I pray that next time I have an imperfection crisis”, I won’t turn my face from Him in shame. Instead, I will worship Him that God uses my weakness to show off His amazing ability to use the most uncommon people to do His most extraordinary work.

Little Baby Arms and “Unanswered” Prayer

About a month ago, my daughter started lifting her arms up to me to be picked up. I typically knew what she wanted when she fussed while looking up at me or when she leaned towards me when in someone else’s arms, but there is something irresistible about her reaching to me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it is just so intimate and full of innocent trust. I love it. Even when I sign to her to wait in the hopes of teaching some degree of patience, I hurry back as soon as possible to take her up in my arms again. Her arms lifted resolutely in the air are now one of my favorite ways that she communicates.

I am going to be honest. Prayer is sometimes a struggle for me. I always find it convicting when someone in the Christian circle calls me a “prayer warrior.” It’s true that I do love God and talking to Him. I also love praying right with people when a need comes up and time allows/I think they could be comfortable with it. Sadly though, I struggle to pray faithfully for needs over a long time period. Part of the problem is that I sometimes feel confused about how prayer truly “works”. Why are some prayers for good things not answered in what feels like a good way? Why do things sometimes happen the opposite of how we pray? Do our prayers change the mind of God or make impact in how things were already going to happen? Prayer can be really mysterious to me.

I have thought a lot about prayer over the years since I invited God to come into my life. First, it sometimes confuses me. Second, it is talked about a ton in the Bible. It is conversation with our Creator. How can we know someone who we don’t talk to? This makes sense to me and is something I love to do. But what about “intercessory prayer” (asking God for something)? Why should I do it if the “results” don’t seem consistent? As I have thought about this over the years, I have come across a few things that encourage me to keep praying.

First, what about prayers that were for someone’s good and would please God, but still didn’t happen? I am learning afresh that people have free will. I believe that God can woo a person and answer your prayers by putting opportunities in their path, but they still have a choice to make. God could force someone to take the best that He is offering, but He is a gentleman…He doesn’t push us to things against our will…even if it means missing out on His best. It is still confusing and heartbreaking when those prayers aren’t answered, but I trust that God gives opportunities to others that we pray for, even when we don’t see them.

What about when we pray earnestly for something like a bill being taken care of or a sick person getting better? What about when things get worse? I suppose in the times when “results” cause me to doubt that my prayers matter, I remember that I only see a few pieces of the puzzle. What I mean is that sometimes I look at a situation, examine the information, and then pray what seems to be the obvious answer. I then feel angrily entitled or doubt when my prayers are not answered in that way. Think about it though…I am one human, looking through one life of experience, with my desires tainted one direction. Cue God. Enter the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last. The Giver of all wisdom and the One who knows us and what we need perfectly. He sees the whole puzzle. He knows when answering the way I pray will build my faith during a critical time. He also knows when answering totally different from my hope will build my trust or work good in my life in an area that I don’t foresee. He knows perfectly and I am thankful that He always loves perfectly too.

“So why are you writing this blog when apparently you have everything figured out?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….Far from it! But, I am also writing because my daughter is teaching me something new about prayer…

When her arms are stretched up to me, and her eyes of trust looking into mine, I learn about the heart of God. Just as my heart swells with love and desire to answer my daughter’s simple request, so I believe God’s heart swells in love for us. As we lift our hearts and voices in innocence and trust, I am certain that He is moved. As my heart breaks a little when I ask Aurora to wait, I also think that God’s heart is moved to compassion, and perhaps even sadness, when he requires that we wait to accomplish greater good. Perhaps this view of prayer is most helpful. God is not a vending machine, Santa Clause, or one to be manipulated…He is a parent…a Daddy. And He will listen to our prayers.

““Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ⁹ Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? ¹¹ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11 (ESV)

Fleas and Unfaithfulness

Our cat, Max, has faithfulness problems. If you read my blog about how he became our cat, you will remember that he was the neighborhood feline that we gave a flea bath, bought all the stuff for, and became my husband’s early graduation gift. He very quickly made himself at home through attacking any food set down for more than half a second, and stalking our fish and gerbils. He had his quarks, but for the most part, we loved him. He was a pretty cool cat. But then, the restlessness began.

Like a kid cooped up too long on a rainy day, he was almost constantly vigil for an escape route. He heard the door open every time and would often streak across the house to make his exit. We wanted to keep him as an indoor cat though, and when he got outside, would try to persuade him back in to avoid the fleas and other side effects of running the neighborhood too long. Finally, though, we grew tired of fighting against his will and the occasional scratch or nip when he didn’t want to return home. We allowed him to choose the freedom at the cost of losing the title of “our cat” and the soft place at the foot of our bed.

But then it got cold and Max got hungry.

Guess who we found meowing incessantly at our door?

So, my hubby and I talked, had compassion, and decided to give Max one more try. We welcomed him back in, gave him another flea bath, gave him back the title of “our cat”, and restarted giving him the choice leftovers of tuna and chicken. I will just tell you, this cat had it good!Max loved being inside and being back with us…and 7 month old Aurora loved having her soft buddy around again.

Once again though, the weather warmed slightly and Max grew restless. He again began rushing the door to escape the life of comfort to roll in the fields of “greener grass” on the other side of the door.  A few days ago, he got past and vanished as soon as his paws hit the ground. We haven’t seen him since.

Chances are, when the weather gets colder again, we will find him meowing at our door. We will give him some food and water, and show him his new home….a blanketed box in the garage.

As much as we would love to have Max as our cat, we can’t fight against his tendencies toward fleas and unfaithfulness when things beyond our door seem better than all that we have given him.

You may be saying, “Nice story, but welcome to the attitude of the typical cat!” You may be right. I might respond back though, “Welcome to the attitude of the typical person!”

If you have read the book of Hosea in the Bible, you will remember God telling His prophet, Hosea, to marry the town prostitute/adulteress in order to make Hosea’s life an object lesson of Israel’s unfaithfulness in response to God’s love. Poor Hosea. He gave up the life he dreamed  of, shocked his family and friends, and married someone a little different than what a Jewish man would have been looking for.

Perhaps Gomer and Hosea had a beautiful wedding. Perhaps Hosea and Gomer planted a garden together or ended their evening with a cup of tea and conversation. They built a life together. They had kids. But then one day, just as Max grew dissatisfied and Israel grew unfaithful, Gomer left. She had the “grass is greener” syndrome and she gave everything up.

Some time passed and God told a likely shamed and broken-hearted Hosea to go find his wife. Hosea went to her and bought her out of a life of slavery that she had gotten caught in. Gomer had her second chance and the book of Hosea goes on to talk about God continuing to call his people out of their lives of unfaithfulness to the better life that He wanted for them. At one point God reflects..

“When Israel was a child, I loved him,
and out of Egypt I called my son.
² The more they were called,
the more they went away;
they kept sacrificing to the Baals
and burning offerings to idols.

³ Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk;
I took them up by their arms,
but they did not know that I healed them.
⁴ I led them with cords of kindness,
with the bands of love,
and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws,
and I bent down to them and fed them.” Hosea 11:1-4 (ESV)

We as people are naturally unfaithful to God. Those who have accepted his invitation to be adopted into the family sometimes get “grass is greener” syndrome in both the daily choices and even big life decisions. Although God can not leave us with the “fleas” of our sin, He continues to love us and welcome us back. And unlike Max the cat who will have a home in the garage, God opens the door and ushers us to His table.

Praise God for His faithfulness to us.