Trials

Three coats and three shoes successfully slid on. One tired baby snuggled into her car seat. Diaper bag. Check. Snacks during play date. Check. Release the monkeys to the backyard to run around for 3 minutes before getting into the van. Check. Grab my coat, shoes, cups I forgot, while rocking crying baby. Check. Get four children secured in van. Check. Start engine.

No Check.

To be honest. It doesn’t even surprise me anymore. Our van is by far the most unreliable vehicle we have ever had. In its short usage it has required new breaks, a new battery, and another little thing or two. We have purchased one of those jumper packs that repair places have just because I am always wondering if the car will choose to start on a given day. I could go on, but I will cut the fuss.

So, I tried starting the car a few more times for good measure and then got out the handy dandy jumper pack to start charging. I texted the poor mom that we would likely be standing up AGAIN (it’s always when we are going to her house for some reason!) and then started passing books around and snacks. I checked the battery gauge level, prayed aloud, and then turned the key. Nothing. Singing time in the car next (I’m telling you, these kids are pros now at flexibility). We were now hitting 20 or 25 minutes of them being buckled in so I decided to try one more time before calling it a no go. I prayed simply aloud, “Father, can you start this van if you are okay with us going today?” The van didn’t start.

I showed just enough disappointment to empathize (Aurora was the most downhearted), and then quickly redirected to the extra fun fantastic thing we would do instead. The kids bounced back quickly with just a little work on my part and the mom graciously came to us in the afternoon. I was still a little bummed though. For one, I was annoyed the van was giving us trouble again. For two, it was the first time I had prayed aloud in front of my kiddos that God hadn’t answered yes.

Guess what verses the kids and I are memorizing currently?

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4).”

As we were experiencing the van challenge, I was attempted a learning moment. “Wow. This is quite the trial isn’t it?!” [My four year old babysitting cutie often uses that word now if she hurts her finger or something. 😉  ]  I honestly wasn’t sure if I would get the question, “Why did God say no?” I guess that question comes later for all of us. Kids are a bit more humble than us adults sometimes. They hear “no” from loving adults and just accept that sometimes “no” happens….well….accept on their good days. I didn’t get the question, but I did have to answer it for myself.

“Why say “no”, God? Why “no” when my kids were listening? I don’t want them to doubt you. I don’t want to doubt you.”

It was at this moment that God brought that verse back to my mind. A verse that talks about the bigger picture of our suffering. Sometimes “no” or “not yet” is to produce character within us that we wouldn’t have developed if the answer was “yes”. Did I want character that morning or a reliable van? A reliable van. But praise God that He wants better, richer things for us than we want for ourselves. Praise God that He sees the bigger picture of what He is doing…even if it means going through pain that we would not have ever chosen to experience.

The theme of trials has been very real in my life recently. I personally have experienced little stuff like the van or several frustrating challenges the past week and a half. More than that though, I have encountered several deeply hurting people that are going through things that I wish I could save them from. Life is really hard. There are no pat answers to soul wrenching trials. There just aren’t. But there is so much hope in God. He cares for each of us so very much.

I don’t know if anyone who is reading this is going through a very difficult trial or walking with someone who is. If you are walking through one, sometimes you want to be alone and sometimes surrounded by others. Sometimes you want words of comfort and sometimes warm silence. Sometimes you feel hope and other times you feel angry or want answers. My personality-bend turns toward digging out answers to hard questions when I am hurting or confused. God and I have had many a conversation over “why” questions. In case you are similar to me and appreciate philosophical input into difficult times, I am putting two links below that relate to the question of why God allows suffering.

The first is a link to a webpage that attempts to briefly answer the question of why God allows suffering. It then links to several other similar questions of suffering, grief, and trials. The second is a link to a minute and a half video of Joni Tada speaking about suffering. I have so much respect for her because she speaks out of experiences of suffering and yet has such joy. If you like her, she has also written a book called “A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God’s Sovereignty.” If you are interested at all in it, just message me your address on Facebook and I will make sure you get the book.

Still not sure what with the pictures? Well, sometimes when you are going through a hard time, a devious two year old and a cute baby make things just a little easier. At least I think so. 😉

https://lifehopeandtruth.com/life/evil-and-suffering/why-does-god-allow-suffering/

http://www.joniandfriends.org/blog/why-does-god-allow-suffering/

 

Bunny Says Go!!!

We emerged from the car in a sea of families, and began making our way toward the Easter egg hunt. As we made our way to the section, I ate in all the enthusiasm of the people around and anticipation of the coming dash. Would Aurora be one of those kids that eagerly collected the eggs, or would she sit down with one and begin asking to have a candy treat opened ( I decided that we would be in for some good collecting as long as they were mysterious, colorful, oval balls, but it would be game over if she knew it was candy)? We found our section and joined the line of toddlers looking to break free from parents to start the game. I smiled as I looked out on the sea of plastic eggs. Perfect! This was going to be so fun!

The time ticked by slowly, and the expectancy continued to build as we waited for the large costumed bunny to lower his paw at the end of the countdown. Occasionally a toddler would manage to break free and joyously rush the eggs before being scooped back up by a laughing parent. Finally the moment arrived that parents and toddlers alike had been waiting for…

3!!!!!!!!!

2!!!!!!!!

1!!!!!!!!!

Bunny says go!!!

Out we all ran or toddled, and Aurora began meticulously picking up the eggs and putting them in a basket. She acted just like herself in situations like this. She went straight to business and picked up eggs like a little machine without cracking a smile. I tell you, as goofy as my daughter is, she is all business when she is on a mission! 

I am pretty sure the ones and two’s age group has got to be the most fun. With all the Easter egg hunts I remember as a kid, it always felt like it was over in 3 minutes or less. And vicious! With this age group, it was just pure fun. The collection was slow enough that the eggs lasted a long time, and because of watchful parents making sure everyone was nice to each other, I saw no tears the whole time. The Easter hunt was far from the most meaningful part of the Easter season for me, but it was such a fun memory! Glad she will just fit into the age group again next year, and this time, I am going to totally remember to bring the camera out of my car!!! 😉

As funny as it sounds, that wiggling, excited throng of people surrounding the field of Easter eggs reminds me a little bit of how I felt about Easter in general this year. I think part of it was being intentional through teaching a Good Friday/Easter message to our Wednesday night kids, and then that attitude of awe of the love of Christ just lingering throughout the rest of the week. I ate up all the different gospel accounts of Jesus’ last hours and longed to feel some of the emotion of those rich moments with our Savior. This year, I didn’t want to rush past the sadness of Good Friday. I wanted to feel some of the weight of it so I could more fully enjoy the thrill of the resurrection. 

And isn’t a thrill?! This passage is a favorite of mine and was talked about in our Sunday service some too. Read it with fresh eyes…

“By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.³ For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance^[a]: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, ⁴ that he was buried,that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, ⁵ and that he appeared to Cephas,^[b] and then to the Twelve. ⁶ After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers and sisters at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep….

 And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. ¹⁸ Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost.¹⁹ If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.²⁰ But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. ²¹ For since death came through a man,the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. ²² For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.“( 1 Corinthians 15: 2-6, 17-22, NIV)

Isn’t this the greatest???!!! The resurrection means everything! Without it all who die are lost, Jesus was just a nice man, we have no forgiveness for sins and Christians are to be pitied for our narrow-minded foolishness. Everything rests on the resurrection!

But Christ.

He did rise from the dead! Historical documents and apologetic logic agree with Biblical accounts (for more research check out…http://www.xenos.org/essays/case-christs-resurrection) and give the intellectual confidence that our minds search for. His resurrection gives hope for all that He said and promised. Our Savior lives and because of this, we have hope that there is life beyond this one. He conquered sin and death and invites us to share in his victory if we only have faith in Him. And the beauty is that the best is still yet to come! It is as though all who await the return of the risen Savior are straining at the ropes in anticipation of incomprehensible joys.

Think of it! To see the return of our Jesus in the clouds calling us home! To see the great plan of God unfold in the final moments of this world! To experience the joys of heaven! And most thrilling…to walk side by side with our Savior and truly KNOW Him! This is all seen as naive, foolish Christian dreaming to those who are still blinded by the deceiver of this world, but to us, it is the greatest hope and joy conceivable. Nothing is better. Nothing.

Pray Bigger.

Fear has always been in the back of my mind when thinking about my daughter’s future. I remember making a “presentation” to my then boyfriend, about the statistics of Bipolar disorder. My dad lived with it, and although it is very possible to live a meaningful life with the disorder, I felt it fair to tell Brian the chances of myself or any future children developing it if we ended up getting married one day. Brian very tenderly explained to me that he was coming into a relationship with a person rather than buying a car, and that we could trust God with the outcome. In the end, I knew that God was bigger than statistics and the fear went away for a little while.

It resurfaced when we thought about starting a family.”Should we adopt instead?” I questioned my husband. The answer was similar. Trust God. He is not calling us to adopt at this time, and even if a child did have it, it was not a death sentence. The fears were then put aside and later replaced with the bubbling excitement of a positive pregnancy test.

Fast forward one more time. This time to Aurora’s birth and beyond. This time the fears aren’t typically as big and looming as mental illness. Instead, they pop up in the little stuff….

“Am I doing the right thing with sleep training?”

“Aurora is walking so very late. Is there something developmentally wrong?”

“How on earth do I set loving boundaries for a oneish year old? What if I mess this up?”

“Is she okay? How does she compare with other kids her age?”

The questions, and underlying hopes, all surround one thing….

I want her to just be okay.

I want her to grow up happy, normal, and with all the advantages that I can give her. I want her to choose to love and follow God young and experience as little of the evil of the world as she can. I want her to live a life free of mental illness, bullying, victimization, and war. I think it is good to pray for these things, but how often do I pray deeper than that?

Ephesians 1:15-23 is a section about prayer. Deeper prayer. I will highlight verses 17-20…

“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit^[a] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.¹⁸ I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, ¹⁹ and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength ²⁰ he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 1:17-20, NIV)”

Here Paul is praying for people that he has poured his time and life into. He begins in verse 15 by praising God for them, and then prays that God would open up the floodgate of spiritual understanding into their life.  He prays that they would know hope, remember the inheritance that is given because of Christ, and not forget the great power that rests inside them through the Holy Spirit to do His work. He is praying deeply.

There are several things missing in that prayer. There is nothing about an ease to the persecution that is happening to them. It is not a prayer for health needs or for unemployment among the Ephesians church. The whole letter itself did not begin with “Dear Ephesian church. Hope everything is going okay and your families are safe and happy.” No, it starts with “Grace and peace to you from God our Father…(Eph 1:2).” Rather than praying, or wishing ease, he prays for God’s supernatural grace and peace no matter what challenges they were facing.

Like I said, I think it is okay to pray for good for those we love. But praise God that His love is bigger than us and is wiser than us. He chooses to allow difficult circumstances to happen to develop greater trust in those who follow him. He allows the enemy to tempt at times in order to develop strength within in us (although James 1:14 says, most temptation comes from our own sinfulness anyway). In the end, is it possible that the biggest plan for my daughter is not that she will simply be “okay”?

Perhaps she will develop a disorder of some sort and it will be used to bring glory to God. Perhaps she will struggle with reading, or making friends, or being good at sports and that will make her more dependent on Jesus. Perhaps she will have to experience the effects of war in her life time or will have to deal with other consequences of people bringing evil into the world and it will give her a deeper eternal perspective. Will I still give her every advantage I can? Yes! Will I try to protect her from as many harmful things as I can? Of course! Is it still my responsibility to wisely guide her and put up loving boundaries so that she experiences some the blessing of walking as God intended while still young? No doubt. But in the end, maybe I need to pray in a bigger way more often. That God would bring to life spiritual realities more fully than earthly realities. That God would seek to bring his best into her life more than her just being happy all the time.

I want to pray the same for myself and other followers of Christ around me too. His plans are so big, but they are also so loving(Ephesians 3:18-19). As scary as it is to trust God with our lives, He truly always brings about good for those who love and follow Him. He can trust Him. Both with ourselves and our children.

Got Hope?

I have a lot of respect for Muslims. I respect how devoted they are to integrating spirituality into all areas of life. I respect how unashamed they are at being “counter-cultural” in the way they practice their faith in public. I respect the amount of time that is dedicated to fasting, prayer, study, and acts of kindness. I could learn a lot from their devotion and faithfulness.

Starting on June 18th this year, begins their month-long celebration of Ramadan. They will fast from food and water from dawn to dusk. They will increase their level of charity and some will read through the entire Quran during the month. The Islamic belief is that all their good works will be “doubled” during this month to achieve greater rewards on the Day of Judgement. Many Muslims will be very busy working hard to please their god and will attempt to make the world a better place.

“Well, thanks for the news flash, Heather, but what in the world does this have to do with us? I think I would rather have a cute baby story instead.” Thank you, kind reader. I like my baby stories too. 😉

I suppose this has been on my mind ever since reading my monthly VOM (Voice of the Martyr) magazine that had come in the mail the other day. Within the pages was a story of Muslim extremists going door to door at Garissa University in Kenya. At each door they asked the student if they were Muslim or Christian. If they proved themselves to be Muslim, they lived. If they said Christian, they died. 148 students were welcomed into eternity that day.

In another article, a formerly religiously free Niger community was attacked by Muslim radicals. After being chased throughout town–some killed, many injured, many with homes or churches destroyed–they entered the remnants of their blackened churches stunned, hurting, but singing praises to God that He counted them worthy to suffer for His name. One pastor said, “A lesson I see for us is that God encourages us to continue to love the Muslims despite what happened. It’s not easy, but God is encouraging us to forgive…”

In yet another story, a 12-year-old Ugandan girl describes being beaten and disowned by her Islamic father after accepting Jesus as her Savior. “Since I was taught that persecution is part of the new believer’s life,” she said, “and that I should endure and pray for those who persecute me, indeed it is what I am doing to forgive them.” She now lives in a home with other children, some much younger, that were disowned after identifying with Christ.

Again and again and again there were stories of suffering and of hope and forgiveness. There was one other thing too…a challenge. A challenge to pray faithfully for the salvation of Muslims during the month of Ramadan.

It is often said that following Jesus is different from religion. Religion is a set of activities that are done to better oneself and to gain the approval of God (or I suppose become a god or find your personal path to heaven depending on the belief). Christianity though, when seen correctly, is not about becoming moral, but about having a relationship with Christ that will inspire us to honor Him in the way we live and treat others. I am far from an expert on other religions, but I do identify unashamed with the culturally viewed “narrow or naive” teachings of Scripture. I do believe that there is only one way to God, and by His grace (not my being smarter or better) I have found that in relationship with Jesus Christ.

I would be foolish to say though, that just because a person identifies themselves as Muslim, that they condone violent acts. I simply bring up those stories because I feel that if my brothers and sisters overseas forgive and pray for those who have killed their families, I who live in freedom and relative ease have no right to neglect praying as well. Will you join me?

Pray that God will give you a deeper love and compassion for those of the Islamic faith. Pray that they will have a full revelation of the true God and His loving character. Pray that they will understand that God desires to know them as children and not as slaves. Pray that God will open their eyes and show His grace by coming to them in dreams and visions (vast numbers of Muslims have come to faith in Christ through Him revealing Himself to them through supernatural encounters).

Please pray. Those of us who follow Jesus have freedom and confidence to approach God. We have freedom from fear of death. We have hope in the midst of struggle and trials. Muslims do not have this hope. They have no hope of assurance of salvation…they must simply keep doing good and hoping that their good outweighs the bad. They have no hope of a personal walk with God…Allah is creative and eternal, but also unknowable and separate from people. Will you pray that they can find hope?

“For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” 1 Corinthains 1:18 (NIV)

http://www.religionfacts.com/islam/holidays/ramadan

http://christiananswers.net/q-eden/muslim-prayer.html

Craigslist Trickery and Solitude

Solitude. That word sounds so…lonely. Now, of course I love to have some quiet time here and there(especially when Aurora is napping), but I am certainly not a fan of large portions of it. I am an extrovert and so I feel most “okay” and enjoying life when I am around people I love. There is nothing wrong with this of course, but lately I have been learning more and more that solitude is a gift as well.

Last Friday, I embarked on the adventure of getting our lovely cat fixed before turning it into an outside cat. The procedure would require dropping Mia off in Fort Wayne (about an hour from our city) at 8am and picking her up at 3:30pm. So, in an attempt to simplify and save some sleep and gas, Aurora and I spent the night at the house of some gracious friends and then planned to keep ourselves busy in the area that day. Although I was looking forward to the brief visit with our friends and had planned a fun thing or two to the following day, I still felt reluctant. You see, it was the first time that I had taken a trip to Fort Wayne, our “day trip vacation” place, by myself. I adore Aurora, but she is different from a husband or friend. I was sad that it would be different this time.

As you can guess, there was a little more going on in life than just a day errand with my daughter and cat. My husband started his new job two weeks ago, and the switch from him being in school and at home frequently to being gone often has been an adjustment to all of us. In one sense, I am thrilled with the blessing of him being able to get a job in his field with a company he respects. In the other sense, the position is new to the company and therefore filled with LOTS of driving (and salary is based on face to face client time) and many undefined responsibilities. Because of this, I know that I won’t fully have my husband again for a little while until he is able to get a better handle on his job. He desperately needs the time to have home as a restful place free of the usual demands on his energy. This season will not be forever, but for now, this is the best way that I can see loving and serving my husband.

So what do we do during periods of life where we face more solitude or others are unable to meet our needs as well? I believe that it gives precious opportunities to both be more comfortable in our own skin and to more fully depend on God. “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:5 (NIV)” He calls us friends. Imagine!   Isaiah 54:5 even takes a further step in intimacy…God identifying himself as “husband” to us. I love how God uses so many different human roles and relationships to describe himself. He is way to complex to be seen as just Creator or just Father or just Judge. Somehow though, he perfectly fulfills each, and I am so in awe of that. I do love these specific roles though. Friend and Husband speak to our desire for companionship…to be known for our good and bad, and still loved. We need this companionship desperately, but our loved ones were never meant to meet our needs perfectly. So when we run to God to meet our needs instead of expecting perfection from our loved ones, we are more free to love them with no strings attached. This is my prayer during this season of life.

Curious what happened on my Fort Wayne day with baby and the cat? I had two surprises…

1. Our lovely cat, Mia, is a boy! They announced this to me loudly enough that everyone in the waiting room got to have a good laugh, and I sat down with humorous disbelief and a $15 refund. I then got the opportunity to hear a detailed description by a woman beside me about how to decipher cat genitalia. Lesson- Never EVER trust Craigslist! Check for yourself all claims! Especially when searching for an inexpensive female cat online. Oh well. No harm done now that he is fixed anyway. The poor cat is just going to be Mr. Mia until we have a burst of creativity. 😉
2. I actually loved the day! Did some fun, active things like shopping garage sales, and some quiet peaceful things like just being still with God while enjoying a picnic in the park while Aurora played on a blanket. It gave me hope that I can enjoy life during seasons of greater solitude.

Although I will treasure the times with Brian during this season —I just got to beat him at Disney Monopoly yesterday! ;)—I also am thankful for the lessons that God will teach me too. In end, I would rather become more like Him through struggle, than coast into complacency through things always going as I want. Plus, who knows what gifts God still has to give through the moments of stillness?

Little Baby Arms and “Unanswered” Prayer

About a month ago, my daughter started lifting her arms up to me to be picked up. I typically knew what she wanted when she fussed while looking up at me or when she leaned towards me when in someone else’s arms, but there is something irresistible about her reaching to me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it is just so intimate and full of innocent trust. I love it. Even when I sign to her to wait in the hopes of teaching some degree of patience, I hurry back as soon as possible to take her up in my arms again. Her arms lifted resolutely in the air are now one of my favorite ways that she communicates.

I am going to be honest. Prayer is sometimes a struggle for me. I always find it convicting when someone in the Christian circle calls me a “prayer warrior.” It’s true that I do love God and talking to Him. I also love praying right with people when a need comes up and time allows/I think they could be comfortable with it. Sadly though, I struggle to pray faithfully for needs over a long time period. Part of the problem is that I sometimes feel confused about how prayer truly “works”. Why are some prayers for good things not answered in what feels like a good way? Why do things sometimes happen the opposite of how we pray? Do our prayers change the mind of God or make impact in how things were already going to happen? Prayer can be really mysterious to me.

I have thought a lot about prayer over the years since I invited God to come into my life. First, it sometimes confuses me. Second, it is talked about a ton in the Bible. It is conversation with our Creator. How can we know someone who we don’t talk to? This makes sense to me and is something I love to do. But what about “intercessory prayer” (asking God for something)? Why should I do it if the “results” don’t seem consistent? As I have thought about this over the years, I have come across a few things that encourage me to keep praying.

First, what about prayers that were for someone’s good and would please God, but still didn’t happen? I am learning afresh that people have free will. I believe that God can woo a person and answer your prayers by putting opportunities in their path, but they still have a choice to make. God could force someone to take the best that He is offering, but He is a gentleman…He doesn’t push us to things against our will…even if it means missing out on His best. It is still confusing and heartbreaking when those prayers aren’t answered, but I trust that God gives opportunities to others that we pray for, even when we don’t see them.

What about when we pray earnestly for something like a bill being taken care of or a sick person getting better? What about when things get worse? I suppose in the times when “results” cause me to doubt that my prayers matter, I remember that I only see a few pieces of the puzzle. What I mean is that sometimes I look at a situation, examine the information, and then pray what seems to be the obvious answer. I then feel angrily entitled or doubt when my prayers are not answered in that way. Think about it though…I am one human, looking through one life of experience, with my desires tainted one direction. Cue God. Enter the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last. The Giver of all wisdom and the One who knows us and what we need perfectly. He sees the whole puzzle. He knows when answering the way I pray will build my faith during a critical time. He also knows when answering totally different from my hope will build my trust or work good in my life in an area that I don’t foresee. He knows perfectly and I am thankful that He always loves perfectly too.

“So why are you writing this blog when apparently you have everything figured out?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….Far from it! But, I am also writing because my daughter is teaching me something new about prayer…

When her arms are stretched up to me, and her eyes of trust looking into mine, I learn about the heart of God. Just as my heart swells with love and desire to answer my daughter’s simple request, so I believe God’s heart swells in love for us. As we lift our hearts and voices in innocence and trust, I am certain that He is moved. As my heart breaks a little when I ask Aurora to wait, I also think that God’s heart is moved to compassion, and perhaps even sadness, when he requires that we wait to accomplish greater good. Perhaps this view of prayer is most helpful. God is not a vending machine, Santa Clause, or one to be manipulated…He is a parent…a Daddy. And He will listen to our prayers.

““Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ⁹ Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? ¹¹ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11 (ESV)

Sucking on Soap

My daughter has always been an adventurous eater. I have had her on Indian curry’s, Italian food, and Oriental cuisine for months now. As refined as her taste is though, she has the weakness of all babies…”Put-everything-in-mouth syndrome.”

If I were to list the items that either she has put in her mouth, or I have prevented her from tasting, the list would look more like a hardware shopping list than a grocery store. About a month or two ago, I was washing her hands and letting her hold the soap/ show her how to move it around. Lo and behold, within a second of me glancing away, she had managed to clutch that slippery soap tightly, pull it to her mouth, and take a large bite. UUUGGGGGHHH!!! I suffered for her as I imagined the awful taste she was experiencing, and quickly made an attempt to swipe it out.

She.

Held.

On!

Who does that?! Who holds on to something so disgusting with such passion? Those who know babies, know that answer. Yuck! I  tried a second and third time, and then finally managed to wiggle it loose as foam oozed from her mouth. Well…at least her mouth was clean from the last non-food that she delighted in…

Psalms 33:17-18  “A horse is a false hope for victory; Nor does it deliver anyone by its great strength. Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him, On those who hope for His lovingkindness, (NASB)”

In Biblical times, horses were a powerful ally or enemy in battle. Atop a horse, you would feel confidence and safety in knowing that you are well protected from hand to hand fighting, and have relief from traveling on foot for long distances. In the absence of a horse, you may come to the battle tired from the journey and feel vulnerable to being trampled or struck from on high. No wonder horses are often mentioned throughout Scripture! In this passage though, horses were put in their proper place…below God. This passage gives a challenge to them and to us to not settle for second best. It reminds us of where our ultimate hope and trust should lie.

In the same way that soap is beneficial for cleaning hands, but not for digesting, we must be cautious to not use good things for the wrong purposes. Let me make this personal…I need to beware of putting hope in the created over the Creator. I need to not elevate my husband to a place where I expect him to meet all my needs perfectly…only God can fulfill that role. I need to realize that casual down time has its place, but should never replace soul refreshment in spending time with God. In so many ways throughout my day, I must be watchful to not elevate a good gift over the Giver. Because, really, why suck on a bite of soap when I need a plate of dinner instead?

Selfishness, Anyone?

I had always heard people say things about how kids cause you to become less selfish– and it’s true! What I did imagine naively though, was that it would happen naturally. I kind of thought that in the same way that women have maternal instincts, I would suddenly develop selflessness instincts. Sadly, this is not the case! What has come about is a growing understanding of how selfish I really am! Talk about a rude awakening!

I think God did two very smart things when he thought up the idea of a baby…

1. The way they cry. The tears of a baby can drive you crazy after a while, but they can also bring about compassion (and on super tired/ lazy days, break you immediately from a bubble of complacency). Maybe if God made babies less…intense…it would be easier for parents to meet needs slower.

2. That they are cute. I am dead serious with this one! God was brilliant to make them cute, because if they weren’t, who knows if anyone would be crazy enough to want to have one! In our selfishness, who wants a little creature that dominates your life during your waking hours and then interrupts your rest during your formerly un-waking hours! Yes, they are an eternal soul and a great blessing, but let’s be honest…the cuteness definitely helps!

So, why bring up the whole selfishness parenting thing as my first post of a new year? Well, I guess because I realize it will be a struggle hourly–if not minute by minute some days–throughout this new year. I continuously pray that God would help me to love my daughter in a deeper way, but I also want to start praying more often that He would help me conquer selfishness too!

Galatians 2:20 “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (NLT)

Do you know what gives me hope in this passage? I don’t have to do this alone. Praise God for that because I can’t!

It is impossible for me to wake up multiple times in the night and have a fantastic attitude about it through my own power. I can’t think of one time that I said, “oh yay! An opportunity to love and snuggle my daughter. I didn’t really want to keep sleeping in my warm, soft bed anyway!” (and granted, I doubt that is realistic anyway. What is possible through Jesus though, is to get up without internally complaining and not shoving Aurora back into her crib the moment it’s possible).

It is impossible for me to not feel bitter or frustrated that nap schedules often leave me isolated at home when I would want to be out and about more often. I need the help of Christ to have an eternal perspective on the benefits of the sacrifices, and the ability to find joy in opportunities at home.

It is impossible to not feel impatient or grumpy when it is noon and I have not taken a shower or eaten breakfast yet. It is those days when I need God to strengthen me and encourage me for the day ahead.

It is impossible to not feel depressed and discouraged some days about exchanging a career of serving kids, families, and schools, for a life of changing diapers, washing dishes, and loving one person that can’t communicate with words yet. I need my Savior on those days to see gifts in the moments, and see opportunities around me to serve others while loving my family.

So much is impossible in my own power…but so much is possible to do through Christ!

When I gave Him my life, He promised that it is not I that need to live a righteous life…it is me submitting to His work inside and though me. I am still learning how to “crucify” my selfishness while still knowing where human limits are. I know that throughout this journey I will have MANY moments of weakness, but I am encouraged that God loves me throughout the journey.

So, no. There was no switch that  turned to make me instantly selfless when I had my daughter, but day by day He teaches me that it isn’t totally up to me anyway. And for that I am truly grateful.