Pray Bigger.

Fear has always been in the back of my mind when thinking about my daughter’s future. I remember making a “presentation” to my then boyfriend, about the statistics of Bipolar disorder. My dad lived with it, and although it is very possible to live a meaningful life with the disorder, I felt it fair to tell Brian the chances of myself or any future children developing it if we ended up getting married one day. Brian very tenderly explained to me that he was coming into a relationship with a person rather than buying a car, and that we could trust God with the outcome. In the end, I knew that God was bigger than statistics and the fear went away for a little while.

It resurfaced when we thought about starting a family.”Should we adopt instead?” I questioned my husband. The answer was similar. Trust God. He is not calling us to adopt at this time, and even if a child did have it, it was not a death sentence. The fears were then put aside and later replaced with the bubbling excitement of a positive pregnancy test.

Fast forward one more time. This time to Aurora’s birth and beyond. This time the fears aren’t typically as big and looming as mental illness. Instead, they pop up in the little stuff….

“Am I doing the right thing with sleep training?”

“Aurora is walking so very late. Is there something developmentally wrong?”

“How on earth do I set loving boundaries for a oneish year old? What if I mess this up?”

“Is she okay? How does she compare with other kids her age?”

The questions, and underlying hopes, all surround one thing….

I want her to just be okay.

I want her to grow up happy, normal, and with all the advantages that I can give her. I want her to choose to love and follow God young and experience as little of the evil of the world as she can. I want her to live a life free of mental illness, bullying, victimization, and war. I think it is good to pray for these things, but how often do I pray deeper than that?

Ephesians 1:15-23 is a section about prayer. Deeper prayer. I will highlight verses 17-20…

“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit^[a] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.¹⁸ I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, ¹⁹ and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength ²⁰ he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 1:17-20, NIV)”

Here Paul is praying for people that he has poured his time and life into. He begins in verse 15 by praising God for them, and then prays that God would open up the floodgate of spiritual understanding into their life.  He prays that they would know hope, remember the inheritance that is given because of Christ, and not forget the great power that rests inside them through the Holy Spirit to do His work. He is praying deeply.

There are several things missing in that prayer. There is nothing about an ease to the persecution that is happening to them. It is not a prayer for health needs or for unemployment among the Ephesians church. The whole letter itself did not begin with “Dear Ephesian church. Hope everything is going okay and your families are safe and happy.” No, it starts with “Grace and peace to you from God our Father…(Eph 1:2).” Rather than praying, or wishing ease, he prays for God’s supernatural grace and peace no matter what challenges they were facing.

Like I said, I think it is okay to pray for good for those we love. But praise God that His love is bigger than us and is wiser than us. He chooses to allow difficult circumstances to happen to develop greater trust in those who follow him. He allows the enemy to tempt at times in order to develop strength within in us (although James 1:14 says, most temptation comes from our own sinfulness anyway). In the end, is it possible that the biggest plan for my daughter is not that she will simply be “okay”?

Perhaps she will develop a disorder of some sort and it will be used to bring glory to God. Perhaps she will struggle with reading, or making friends, or being good at sports and that will make her more dependent on Jesus. Perhaps she will have to experience the effects of war in her life time or will have to deal with other consequences of people bringing evil into the world and it will give her a deeper eternal perspective. Will I still give her every advantage I can? Yes! Will I try to protect her from as many harmful things as I can? Of course! Is it still my responsibility to wisely guide her and put up loving boundaries so that she experiences some the blessing of walking as God intended while still young? No doubt. But in the end, maybe I need to pray in a bigger way more often. That God would bring to life spiritual realities more fully than earthly realities. That God would seek to bring his best into her life more than her just being happy all the time.

I want to pray the same for myself and other followers of Christ around me too. His plans are so big, but they are also so loving(Ephesians 3:18-19). As scary as it is to trust God with our lives, He truly always brings about good for those who love and follow Him. He can trust Him. Both with ourselves and our children.

Scared to Fail

Have you ever experienced one of those times when you were scared, but the strength of the emotion didn’t match the situation? Have you felt insecure and nervous like your own skin is no longer safe? Have you had moments where it feels like your world is unstable and beyond your control? I had a few hours like that last week. You will likely think the reason is silly, but it was so very real in the moment. I had went through a morning with Aurora that made me question whether I should fast track her weaning process. I won’t spend your time going through my pros and cons list, the tennis match reasoning, or the internet searching results, but will say that I had gradually came to a place that I felt that I needed to make a quick change for her best interest.

I will also say that I was terrified.

The choice to “fast track” went against some online opinions on the subject, and the choices of some of my respected friends. Who was I to do things differently? What if I hurt Aurora by my decision? How could I know that I was doing the right thing when nothing was clear-cut? Lets just say that period of crying, journaling, and praying weren’t pretty…but they were beautiful.

You see, my mess was, well, a mess. But God. He takes messes and makes them beautiful when we hand them to him. Through praying I finally felt peace to do what was not the common parenting opinion. I asked Him how He wanted me to parent His child, and I listened to the gentle inner voice say, “I will take care of her. Trust me. Do what you feel is right for her.” So I did.

Two remarkable things happened. First, I glanced down at a random “Mud Love” bracelet that I had grabbed earlier that morning without paying attention (I just wanted something on my wrist to remind me to pray for Muslims during Ramadan as I had been forgetting frequently lately) and was surprised to read the word: “Courage”. It sent a strong message to me that God was with me in the midst of my confusion and fear. He had given me the answer to combat my fear… having courage to do what was counter-popular opinion. God sent an even stronger message later that day. After weeks of trying to convince my daughter to take her first solo steps without avail, she walked!!!! A total unprompted step followed by many more coaxed steps the rest of the night. I heard the message loud and clear. “You may be afraid of failing as a parent, but fear not. I am with you and will take care of you. She is going to be okay.”

It has been almost a week now, and she has done fantastic. I didn’t need to worry. She is stronger than I think, and my God loves her and is taking care of her too. It reminded me afresh that God is able to handle my fears…both in the big and small stuff.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:19

Got Fear?

I am scared.

I was scared when I thought about becoming a mom for the first time and wondering if I would be a good one or not. I was scared about child-birth. I was scared when Aurora came home from the hospital and did things that I didn’t feel prepared for. I was scared when Aurora got really sick one time during the night. I was scared when I started my part-time job and wondered if I was doing the right thing. This time I feel scared for a different reason.

Aurora is not even two weeks more than a year old and already she is…opinionated. I noticed this fairly early on in her babyhood…just little hints of a strong-willed nature. But now, I realize that I was right–and maybe even more right than I originally hoped. She flings her pacifier away and screams when she is upset about something. She can be redirected and be unsuccessfully distracted over and over and over and over until we just sit in front of the forbidden object while she tries to push us out of the way and cries. She simply is her own person. She does things in her own way and in her own time and she likes it that way. I am convinced that we are going to have our hands full very soon with lovingly setting boundaries and enforcing them. I look down the corridor of time and see a two or three-year old with tantrums but an adventurous, independent spirit. I am scared that I don’t have what it takes to raise a child like this.

Some may shake their heads at me and explain that these are awfully big presumptions for such a young baby. It’s true…she is little…but I tell ya…my “momma intuition” is going off that I could very well be right. And if I am, I pray that I have what it takes.

We have friends that are parenting a three-year old daughter who is strong-willed. She is a delight. She is loving, fun, courageous, artistic, smart, and just a fantastic little munchkin. She is also a handful. She is her own person and tests boundaries frequently even in the face of consistent loving boundaries from her parents. Her mom and I are great friends, and is one of the most patient people I know. I don’t know how she does what she does all day long, as she has for over two years now. When I look at her and her daughter, I pray that God would give me love and grace that matches whatever child Aurora grows to be.

How do parents do it? How do they spend 18+ years lovingly and patiently pouring into a child in a manner that pleases God? I think the answer is that we can’t. I can’t. I need God for each moment to help me to be wise and patient. Without Him in the moments, I can live a good and moral life…I have experience in what that looks like (even an atheist, Buddhist, or a person of any other religion can live a moral life)…but what I can’t do is live a spirit-led life. I can’t meet challenges in the way He would, unless I am walking closely with Him. That is my prayer.

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. (ESV)” John 14:26

So am I scared? Yes. But I also want to hand those fears to God. I want to take His hand and walk with Him as He guides me through the challenges. And I pray with time, Aurora will reach for His hand as well.